Middle Aged Love Addict

Honestly I have no idea what I’m fucking doing but I’m paying for this space so I might as well use it!

Anyways, it’s Thursday, April 23, 2026 and I’ve already smoked copious amounts of weed this morning. Something new and different, right?

I sent L home last night. That’s right, friends: spoken in the sultry voice of a 1940s Kathryn Hepburn, “I’ve taken a lover (pronounced luv-aaahhh)”. He is really fun, smart, hot, we have so much in common and have fantastic sexual chemistry – AND, he loves to drink and smoke weed. I know, I hear the resounding chorus of voices chanting, “Red flag! Red flag!” I mean, duh. I’m not an idiot. He’s the most perfect example of someone I should NOT be hanging out with. In fact, he is very much like a male version of me, with similar traumas/neuroses: narcissistic mother, navigating recent divorce, midlife crisis, yadda yadda. Our family drama is quite similar, and so is our need to be validated, seen; powerful but with a wounded child inside. So yeah, it’s classic avoidance (of moving stuff forward with the hubs), fantasy, escape, a treasure trove of SLAA characteristics. I know, just like I know about the weed, that this is not sustainable. I acknowledge the very slippery slope that this all is for me, daily. And, I’m in my addiction. I am a good, strong, loving person who struggles.

In any event, last night L came over and I’d made dinner. He was limping and clearly uncomfortable from a chronic pain issue. Fuck, why am I crying now? Get it together, woman. Tell your story. Deep breath…Okay. We have very instant sexual chemistry but last night he was holding himself differently. He came in strong with gripes about work, his mom, his ex-wife…I had my own mom gripes (another story) and so we kind of drank wine through dinner and complained about shit. Then he wanted to lie down – “I swear this isn’t to try to seduce you, I just need to get off my feet for a few minutes” – so we did, and then he started several minutes of angry texting with his mother and his ex-wife, as I lay there, my head at the other end of the bed, feeling restless and very uncomfortable. He caressed my legs and feet; it felt lovely…and then he’d respond to another text. I know he sensed my shift, he asked what was up, this went on for a little while longer and then I moved to face him with my head on his belly and said, “I think I need you to leave.” Which surprised him at first, but he clearly understood why. I’m like, you’re talking to your ex-wife and your mom in my bed. It’s not sexy. He said something like, “You’re not wrong.” And I was like, “I KNOW.” Still seeing it through the lens of hey, I support this move, as if that validated it for me. I didn’t need that moment to be validated. I know I’m a junkie for validation, but not the backhanded “I get it”. Then we had a brief, very hot make out session as he was about to leave, but I walked him out, he gave me gummies, and he left.

I proceeded to smoke weed after he left AND eat half a gummy. I was pacing around the house, so restless and agitated. I was moments away from putting on my shoes and walking to the karaoke bar. I sat down long enough to cast doubt upon the outing – “is it safe for me to walk home alone later?” And in that time I got sleepy enough to know I wasn’t going anywhere.

More soon. xoxo